Misprint in issue no. 102754 reads:
"The Republican Party announced "It is the right of Americans to expect their government to promote the orgies in the family structure'."
"The Republican parties announced right and left in the halls of government were promoted as a family affair."
the Editor regrets the inconveniance.
Volume 692 The Cheeto
1813 - Chemist in London finishes day with strange orange stains on fingers--finds fascinating--tries to replicate occurence.
1821 - After an 8 year blitz of experimentation, comes up with first working prototype--an orange, bite-sized treat which leaves a touch of orange residue on fingers--not enough residue--made mainly of carrots.
1827 - Increases amount of orange residue by trial and error--tries to market his discoverey as "Carrot-Toes" because they are toe-shaped --not very successful.
1842 - Chemist dies in frustration--7 months later, British Army discovers use of Carrot-Toes for helping nightvision in its troops-- alters recipe to fit army ration regulations--becomes a green "loaf"--quickly vanishes from use.
1912 - American inventor discovers a box of British army rations and gets a high from eating the well-aged Carrot-Toes--tries to replicate the experience--has on-hand an abundant supply of fresh cheese.
1915 - Inventor stumbles upon the goal of the chemist: orange fingers-- tries to market his product on the US market--calls his product "Cheese-Toes"--lackluster sales.
1929 - In the height of the depression, homeless family stumbles upon warehouse full of old Cheese-Toes--eat the whole warehouse full of them--realize stale cheese made them taste better--remarket them--sales boom.
1981 - Wall St. businessmen realize stale cheese is too expensive, so change recipe--cheese tasting flavor, no cheese--FDA forces name change--"Cheetos"--oddly enough, orange residue on fingers glows in the dark.
1996 - Cheetos become the official health food for the Summer Olympic Games in Atlanta--wouldn't work in the cold of the Winter Olympics: changed temperature of chemical reactions.
used with permission (c)1996 The Frito-Lay Funny Pages
File No. 78
Richard Nixon -- Former President of the United States. Famous for his later years with his turn on SPAM, especially his PAP* smear during the Watergate Scandal. Tried to incriminate various members of SPAM and the policies SPAM was founded on.
*PAP:Postmodern Archaeologist Policy
The Royal Archaeological Society (RAS) :Established in the early 19th C. Sponsored Academic research into the excavation of things, places, and people.The Royal Archaeologist & Mailcarrier Society (RAMS) :With the introduction of the Royal Mailcarriers into the fold, the RAMS grew stronger winning their division, conference, and finally the SuperBowl in 1825.Royal Archaeology Worldwide (RAW) :A torrid parting of the Mailcarriers left the Society in a leadership vacuum. The great-grandfather of comedian Eddie Murphy was President of RAW during this period.Society of Archaeologists Worldwide (SAW) :Trying to become an international organization, all ties with the crown of England were severed. Another turbulent time in the Society's history.Society of Archaeologists & Mailcarriers (SAM) :Finding the leadership in America this time, the Mailcarriers Worldwide joined up forces. A brilliant new recruiting campaign was started featuring ads reading: "Uncle SAM wants you!" Campaign was successful and membership increased until US Army copied the slogan.Society of Postmodern Archaeology (SPA) :Seeing themselves as maturing past the Modernist stage, the Society adopted the well-documented rules of Postmodernism. In response, once again, the Mailcarriers left the fold. SPA was sucessful until the Whirlpool corporation sued for copyright infringment.(at this point, the Society almost became SPACKLE: The Society of Postmodern Archaeologists, Carpenters, and Kleptomaniac Laywers & Engineers, but the US Congress ruled against this merger as it would have been a monopoly. the owners of Milton Bradley then hit upon the idea of their world-famous game.)
The Society of Postmodern Archaeologists & Mailcarriers (SPAM) :Which is the name which the Society has operated under since May 17, 1974.
SPAM motto = "Dig it up!"
SPAM's official fight song (originally established by RAS)
"If it's buried, Dig it up!
If it's dead, Dig it up!
If it's laid to rest, Dig it up!
If it's quietly forgotten, Dig it up!
God save the King, Dig him up!"
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