The Looking-Glass Rearview Mirror Volume Three
Canonical List of Pranks 3.0
Canonical List of Pranks 3.0
----------------------------
Compiled by Stacy Behrens (sjb3@lehigh.edu)
Version 3.0
This is a list of pranks and practical jokes of all sorts. The
contributors are listed at the bottom. I take no responsibility for anyone
getting in any trouble or causing any harm to anyone due to anything listed
here. If you have a good prank and it isn't listed here, mail it to me and
I'll see about adding it to the list. I'm not necissarily interested in
funny stories unless there is a prank that can be described in a fairly
short paragraph contained within. The pranks on this list range from
harmless to the downright cruel since the idea is to have a list to cover
all occasions.
-Rigged Door
-Mail
-Camping
-Showering
-Toilet
-Food & Resturant
-Dorm Room
-Body
-Classroom
-Tape & Movie
-Miscellaneous
-Computer
-Phone
-Appliance
-Sleeping
-Pyrotechnical
-Vehicle
-New Employee
as well as the list of contributors
-----Rigged Door Pranks------------
-Balance a nearly full bucket of water against someone's door at night.
When they open it the next morning it will fall and flood their room. Even
better against elevator doors.
-Remove someone's doorknob and reinstall it with the lock on the inside.
Works best if the victim is in the room and the door is locked and you have
his/her keys.
-If the victim has a recessed door, fill the area flush with the wall (perhaps
with drywall) and paint to match the wall. Victim returns to a wall where the
door used to be.
-Place clear tape across the outside of a door from top to bottom. Frequently
people will run into it especially if they are in a hurry.
-If the door is metal and has a metal frame, weld the person into (or out
of) their room. Can be done to the hinges as well if there is no metal
door.
-Steal a person's door. Leave a trail of clue's as to where to find it.
Have them running all over the place trying to find it and have them end up
somewhere near where they started. (like in the next room)
-Jam so many pennies between the door and the door frame that the person
cannot turn the doorknob to get out. Even better if the pennies are
superglued in place to prevent removal. Also you may wish to put vaseline
on the inside doorknob to prevent them from being able to turn the knob.
-Place "Bang-Snaps" in precarious positions on a door so that they will
drop and explode when the door is opened. (such as balanced on the
doorknob)
-Brick up the entrances to a building at night before anyone arrives.
-Reverse the peephole on peoples door. Allows for some interesting spying
since very few people actually check this part of the door.
-----Mail Pranks-------------------
-Send in subscriptions to embarasing magazines in the victim's name. Make
sure to check "Bill Me".
-Send off a request in the victims name to numerous foriegn postage stamp
bureaus requesting ordering information, to be put on mailing lists, etc.
The response is quite astounding.
-Get change of address cards from the post office and change the victim's
address to someplace like Guam.
-----Camping Pranks----------------
-Bury someone's hatchet or ax in a tree about 20 feet off the ground and in
plain sight.
-Snipe Hunts. 'Nuff Said.
-Spray someone's tent with some aerosol based bug spray. This will erode
the waterproofing of the tent.
-----Showering Pranks--------------
-Urinate in a person's shampoo.
-Put Nair or some other hair removal chemical in a person's shampoo or
conditioner. You may need to distract the person for a moment to let the
stuff take a better hold.
-Fill the shower head with dry temper paint, onion salt, easter egg pellets
or the like. Lifesavers are great since they disolve and then reform on the
victim. The victim will feel sticky afterwards and of course the solution to
that is to take another shower...
-On a cubicle where the door reaches the floor, seal the door shut and fill
the cubicle with water. You may wish to introduce marine life.
-Flush toilets while a person showers. The more toilets the better.
-Swipe a person's cloths while they are showering. Put them in an
embarasing place such as the showers for people of the opposite sex.
-Glue the lids to people's shampoo shut. They get all wet and then realize
they can't wash their hair.
-----Toilet Pranks-----------------
-Place clear cellophane over the toilet bowl but under the seat. Works
best at parties where a large percentage of the people are drunk.
-Place a small tube in one or the water holes with the other end pointed
outward at the victim. When flushed results in an improptu shower.
-Flush waterproofed cherry bombs or M-80's down public toilets.
Explosives in Port-O-Potty's can be fun too.
-Place vasilene (or some other reasonably clear gel) on the seat at night.
Listen for the screams. ICY-HOT or Atomic Balm are even better. Also put
the stuff on the toilet paper.
-Shoe Polish of the appropriate color on the seat.
-Place several packages of "Knox" (clear geletin) in the toilet of someone who
will not be around for several days. Looks like water and is harder to detect
than the celophane on the lid. For a more instant effect, there is a
substance availlable at most magic supply stores called anhydrous sodium
poly-acrylate which holds up to 300 times its weight in water. Doesn't take
much to turn a toilet solid or someone's drink, or...
-Rig a 220 outlet to a urinal. I can only imagine how much this would hurt.
-Rig an outhouse to have some explosive buried in the hole, and the trigger to
the toilet seat. The victim will have a great time trying to clean that off.
-Place a candle a little below the seat and off to the side. Methane lights
up quite nicely.
-----Food & Resturant Pranks-------------------
-Convice the person that they have eaten a piece of food that has been
soiled by some bodily function. Have fake "evidence" (or real evidence if
you really are cruel) to back up your claim such as pictures.
-Give your name as Pupupu to a maitre-de. When he calls you to your table
you will hear, "Pu-pu-pu Party of four...".
-Same thing but give your name as Connie Lingus, Dick Hertz, Harry Colon, etc.
-Freeze glasses to trays in the cafeteria. This can be accomplished by
smearing the bottom of the glass with honey and sticking it firmly to the
tray. Next fill the glass with ice, water and salt to lower the
temperature. After a few minutes the honey should be frozen to both the
tray and the glass.
-Glue glasses in a cafeteria to the bottom of a table.
-Dribble glass. Need I say more?
-Put pure crystallized caffine in someone's coffee pot. This will make
expresso look like milk.
-Get some of the tracer pills that turn urine blue (or some other
interesting color) Crush and slip it into some food. The victim will be
peeing blue for 2-3 days afterwards though the pills themselves are just
dye and are completely harmless.
-Bake brownies or cookies and substitute Ex-Lax for part of the chocolate.
Use some chocolate to keep the taste right.
-Rig the lid of salt shakers to fail when used, resulting in a veritable
salt lick on the victim's food.
-----Dorm Room Pranks------------
-Fill an accordian folder with shaving cream, insert under someone's door
and stomp on it which will send large amounts of shaving cream into their
room withought ever opening the door. Also can be done with a fine powder
(Talcum powder works nicely) in a bag with a hole in the bottom. Slip the
open end under the door, stick a hair dryer in the hole and the room gets a
nice sugar coating.
-Flood the floor of a room and open the window during a very cold night when
the occupants won't be returning for a while. Also good in public bathrooms.
-Purchase several hundred crickets from the local pet store and release them
everywhere. (and I do mean everywhere) Crickets are quite noisy and should
result in a few sleepless nights.
-Take a dump into a small cup and place it in the most hard-to-find/get-at
place in someone's room. They'll tear their room apart looking for the
smell.
-Place raw eggs under the person's pillow or comforter or somewhere else
that is bulky enough that the eggs won't be noticed until after they have
been crushed. This is lots of fun to clean up after...
-Fill a person's room while they are out with massive quantities of
crumpled up newspaper. This takes a fair bit of planning, a lot of paper
and a small room but can have good results.
-Remove doors on your hall and swap them with other doors from around the
hall.
-Cover a person's door with butcher paper and fill the space between the
door and the wall with confetti, peanuts, etc.
-Attach a remote control to the fire alarm in a room and set it off from a
safe distance. Watch the victim(s) panic. When the panic subsides, do it
again. And again. And... well you get the picture.
-----Body Pranks--------
-Hold a magnifying glass over someone who is sunbathing. Be prepared to
run shortly after you do this.
-Place Icy-Hot, Atomic Balm or the like in someone's jock or underwear.
Warning! This results in screaming in the most macho of guys.
-Wave microwaved mayonaise under the nose of a person who is drunk and
feeling queasy. Alternately start asking questions such as "Would you like
a cold greasy pork chop? How about an earthworm omlette?..."
-Get some silver nitrate which has the odd effect of turning skin a blackish
purple. Be creative.
-Write all sorts of nasty messages in permenant marker on a persons body while
they are asleep or passed out drunk. Put them in hard to cover up places.
-----Classroom Pranks--------------
-Sucker freshmen into walking too close to an active Van-De-Graff
generator.
-Superglue EVERYTHING in a classroom down. Chairs, chalk, books, whatever.
Don't be choosy.
-When a teacher leaves the room, have everyone turn every desk and chair
upside down. When the teacher returns be sitting on your chairs working as
if nothing had happened.
-When dissecting animals, take the liver (or some other brown organ) and
place it in the instructor's coffee. Place parts from your dissection in
various places around a caffeteria salad bar.
-----Tapes & Movie Pranks----------
-Crack open someone's audio cassettes and flip the tape over so that what
comes out is pure gibberish.
-Rent porn tapes from the video store and record something like Barney or
the Wizard of Oz over them. Just imagine the next person who gets them.
Better yet, do it the other way around or exchange the tape in their
respective cases. (they aren't likely to check)
-----Miscellaneous Pranks----------
-When you see several folks relaxing in a hot tub, throw ice cubes into the
tub. They'll wonder who's throwing stuff at them, but the cubes melt
almost instantly leaving no evidence or clues as to who is doing it.
-Release large numbers of pigeons into a gymnasium or lecture hall.
Young pigs in the hallway are good too. Even better if they (pigeons or
pigs) have been fed laxatives.
-Release a chicken or similair noisy relatively light animal between a dropped
ceiling (he ones with the tiles) and the actual ceiling. They are tough
enough to catch on normal ground.
-During the part of a wedding where the minister/priest/etc asks "speak up
now or forever hold your peace", send a small child running up the isle
yelling "Daddy, daddy".
-Superglue several quarters to a flat surface such as a bench or floor and
watch people try to remove them.
-Get some cones or barrels and divert traffic from a nearby street through
campus or your workplace.
-Advertise your principle or bosses job in the local paper.
-Flour on top of the blades of ceiling fans.
-If you know someone who is a homophobe, slip some homoerotic art books in
their bag while they are distracted. When they walk through the library's
book detector, they will have to empty out the bag revealing the book in
question.
-Throw those fake foam rocks which are availlable at novelty stores at
someone. Works best when around real rocks such as in a geology class or
outdoors.
-Be obnoxious as possible while loudly speaking another language. (german,
french or whatever) When you hear someone mutter something like, "I wish they
would shut up." respond appropriately in perfect english.
-Start quasi-political parties in school for the sole purpose of being
obnoxious. (meaning you don't really have anything meaningful to say) Make
emblems and post them on everything in sight, march around spewing meaningless
propaganda etc.
-Hire a stripper to appear in a high traffic area, such as a cafeteria
during peak hours.
-Fill several vending machines in a high traffic area with condoms and beer
cans.
-Take some soup or stew in a plastic bag. Pretend to toss your cookies
depositing the substance on the floor or table. Have a buddy look over and
say, "Hey that looks good", and eat a piece of meat or veggie. May result in
others nearby loosing their lunch as well.
-Put every single chair from a large building in one room. The smaller the
room the better. Also good near the entrance to a building.
-Fill someone's umbrella with confetti, wait until a rainy day and enjoy.
-Leave insect egg cases/clusters in innacessable areas.
-Errect a large paper mache penis on school grounds in a very public place.
Write messages on it for added effect. Also works with snow.
-Put doggie do in a paper bag, light the bag, put on someone's doorstep, ring
the bell and watch them stamp it out.
-Scrape coagulate grease off of ribs and serve it as leftover lemon sorbetto.
-Hide pornographic pictures (the nastier the better) in places where
someone who is very easily offended or embaressed will find them quite
unexpectedly. Even better if there are numerous amounts of small pictures
hidden in obscure places that will still be found even years later.
-Hand the principal/headmaster some small item when getting your diploma.
Marbles, balloons, condoms, coins etc. Works best if everyone does it.
-Take a dump on a plate and stick it in the microwave. The area will smell
for weeks.
-----Computer Pranks---------------
-Change the prompt on someones computer to be black on black. This is
rather cruel if the person is computer illiterate. Very effective the day
before a big project is due.
-It is possible to play sounds remotely on some workstations. (Sun
SparcStations for instance) You can have all kinds of fun playing sounds
like flushing toilets and other unusual sounds. Works best if the person
is a relative newbie.
-Run a XXX-GIF slide show on the overhead computer projectors found in many
computer rooms and large lecture halls. Very effective if done before a
large class. You may wish to superglue the drive doors shut as well as all
the relevant power switches in the "on" position and the power cables to
the wall and hide the keyboard.
-Write a small program that prints "Formatting C:" and starts printing a
series of dots at intervals afterwards. Simulate disk access by
contiuously creating and deleting an empty text file.
-Write a daemon that sends each individual page of a print job to a
different printer on the network. Select the printer at random.
-Put an intercom inside a machine and then convince some nerd that it is an AI
with voice recognition.
-Convince a newbie that there has been a virus going around that presents
hypnotic patterns on the screen which can really mess up your mind. Then
start up remotely or set to start at a particular time a fractal program of
some sort. They'll probably panic big time.
-Write a TSR that turns the keyboard on and off at short intervals. You'll
watch the person try keyboard after keyboard. Can also swap keys using
ANSI.SYS or xmodemap depending on the system.
-Convert a XXX image to a bitmap and make it someone's OS/2 or Windows
backround. You can also change the backround of someone's X-Windows
session remotely as well as make picture appear and they can't stop you.
(use XV or a similar program)
-Rig the spring in a Macintosh floppy drive to fire the disk a goodly distance
from the machine upon ejection.
-Reverse the turbo switch so that the machine runs fast when it should run
slow and slow when it should be fast.
-If they haven't changed the default password for their BIOS, change it
yourself and lock them out of their machine.
-Write fake disaster error messages that appear at random time.
-----New Employee Pranks---------
-Send a new employee for various mythical items such as:
Double sided transperencies
Dehydrated Water
Bucket of compressed air
A one molar solution of water
A stanchion remover
A bucket of steam
A phallopian tube
A long weight (long wait)
A short weight
Short circuits
Lightning bolts
Skyhooks
A "mattababe" (as in what's a "mattababe")
A "dickfore" (same as above)
A piston return spring
A left handed wrench, hammer, razor...
Agent Orange (paint color)
Sparkplugs for a desiel engine
A short/long stand
A chain stretcher
Hydraulic cement bender
Snowtires for the shopping carts
-Tell the new employee that the management at the movie theater or other
concession stand wants exactly 47 nachos on every tray and they'll get upset
if the victim doesn't do it.
-----Phone Pranks----------------
-Coat the reciever of someone's phone with shoe polish and then give them a
call. Instant gratification. Make sure you match the colors of the polish
and the phone. Small amounts of shaving cream work too.
-Utilizing threeway calling, call two people you don't know and start a
confused conversation that goes like, "who is this?", "Who is *this*?", "Why
did you call me?", "Call you? You called me!"...
-Glue the victim's reciever down, and then start making lots of calls to
the victim.
-Call in pledges to your local public TV station in the victim's name. Be
generous. Other charities work as well.
-Switch on the intercom as tell the victim that the "person on the other end
wants to talk to you". You'll hear them going "Hello? Hellooo?"...
-----Appliance Pranks------------
-Wrap an *extremely* fine gauge wire several turns around each prong of the
power cord of some plug in appliance with a single strand going between the
two prongs. The current coming out of a wall is sufficent that the wire
will instantly and completely vaporize the wire and will result in a
startling flash. This one leaves no evidence and will make the person
terrified to plug the appliance back in. WARNING: this is VERY dangerous
if too large a gauge of wire is used.
-Purchase a "universal TV remote" from a place like Radio Shack. When
walking by public TVs, such as those in a dorm lounge, change the channel
without giving anyone any idea you are doing it.
-Take a transciever like the ones ham radio operators use (3 watts or
more is good) and push transmit while near a TV. Will have the effect of
semi-scrambling whatever is showing. Them more powerful the transceiver,
the more the TV signal gets messed up. This does work on cable TV.
-Leave toothpast on the underside of light switches and doorknobs.
-Use appliance timers to detonate stereo equipment at high volume.
-Leave a copier to print 99 copies at 33% resolution on 8x14 paper.
-Leave someone's furniture in a 99% disassembled state. Repeat as
necissary.
-----Sleeping Pranks-------------
-Fasten someone to their bed with numerous bungi cords.
-Put coathangers between the matress and the sheet.
-Get lots of cheap alarm clocks and set them to go off at 3:00am and every 20
minutes thereafter. Hide them well.
-Bury someone several feet deep in wet unrolled toilet paper.
-Pour "cyalume" (the stuff in those glow sticks you see every holoween) on
someone then wake them and say, "Dude, you're glowing" and watch them panic.
-Place the sleeping person's hand in a bowl of lukewarm water. Will
fequently cause bed wetting.
-Shave parts of a person while they are passed out drunk. Be creative. Do
things such as half a mustache, one eyebrow, etc.
-Draw in permenant marker all sorts of messages on the skin of a person who
has passed out drunk. Messages should include things like "[insert name of
another person you dislike] was here" with a big arrow pointing to the
person's rear end.
-Smear a person's body with Nair or other hair removal substance. Works great
on hairy italian guys.
-Print a message in lipstick on someone's chest. (such as "Thank You")
Works best after a night where they really got drunk and may not remember
what they were doing the night before.
-Sprinkle Sand or Jello Mix or the like in the person's bed.
-----Pyrotechnical Pranks----------
-Burn a hole in someone's newly paved asphalt driveway using thermite.
-Place industrial strength smoke grenades (the sort that will fill up
entire buildings) in obscure places in a public building. Also good in
someone's car or truck.
-Make some Amonium Tri-iodide. Be creative.
-----Vehicle Pranks----------------
-Place an old beat up vehicle near the entrance to a school building.
Remove the wheels and fill it with cement. Nearly impossible to remove.
-Cut an old wreck in half and weld it together around a flagpole.
-Dissassemble an old car and reassemble it on top of a building or in the
main lobby of the building.
-Block off a major road using traffic cones or barrels.
-Get some of the jacks used for moving cars around car lots and move all the
cars in a lot so that they are about 3 inches apart and impossible to get into
or move.
-Fill someone's car or truck top to bottom with snow. (You'll need a
shovel most likely)
-Place a dead fish in an area of the engine that is hard to get to and that
will get hot. Jammed under the radiator is just about perfect. After a
couple of days the smell just becomes unbearable.
-Jack up a persons car so the wheels are just barely off the ground, but not
enough to be noticable.
Thanks go out to the following people for their contributions to this list:
-James Frye (frye@lars.acc.stolaf.edu)
-Gary Meyers (dbsgrm@arco.com)
-Clay (clays@wam.umd.edu)
-Jonathan Tracy Osborn (jonnio@fox.WPI.EDU)
-Mac (jb013c@uhura.cc.rochester.edu)
-Don Schneider (dondo@holonet.net)
-Jan Chojnacki (janc@icebox.iceonline.com)
-T.C. Freres (tf2a+@andrew.cmu.edu)
-June Peckingham (junep@bu.edu)
-John Collin (jcollin@phakt.usc.edu)
-Idris H Hsi (idris@isye.gatech.edu)
-James York (york843@mach1.wlu.ca)
-Jeff Kroll (darkmage@ecst.csuchico.edu)
-Suraklin (darkmage@ecst.csuchico.edu)
-Rich Boehme (vballer@chop.isca.uiowa.edu)
-Barry Gold (barry.gold@SanDiegoCA.ncr.com)
-Howard Richards (hir@cix.compulink.co.uk)
-Dallen Christiansen (dchriste@uvsc.edu)
-Denny E. Miller (dionisio@ininet.com)
-Erin L. Copeland (erin@santafe.edu)
-Lane Patterson (patterson_lane@smtpmac.bah.com)
-Tom Swanner III (bizarre@clients-r-us.tamu.edu)
-John Robinson (i8893909@wsuaix.csc.wsu.edu)
-Maskim B. Tsvetovatyy (tsvetova@pico.cs.umn.edu)
-Johan Borkhuis (johan@borksoft.xs4all.nl)
-Jack Kemp (jkemp@eosc.osshe.edu)
-David Edward Sadler (dsadler@is.dal.ca)
-Gareth Evans (zcapk39@ucl.ac.uk)
-Dale J. Chatham (dchatham@resumix.portal.com)
-Jan Chojnacki (janc@icebox.iceonline.com)
-Brian Davies (bdavies@awadi.com.au)
-Huw Leonard (huw@isgtec.com)
-Brian Malone (brianm@random.ucs.mun.ca)
-Brian Ross (bross@uoguelph.ca)
-Mark Mitchell (raplhy@winternet.com)
-Bart E Goddard (goddard@NeXTwork.Rose-Hulman.Edu)
-Ross Frederick Blakeney (aa568@cfn.cs.dal.ca)
-Chad A. Ray (rayc@columbia.dsu.edu)
-Doug Fielder (dougf@informix.com)
-Kristian Bohm (kristian@software.mitel.com)
-Lon Lowen Jr. (lllowen@netcom.com)
-Greg Spiegelberg (gspiegel@owens.ridgecrest.ca.us)
-Mark Hohmann (homan@bu.edu)
-Scott Pfaff (u8944962@csdvax.csd.unsw.oz.au)
-Dave Ribar (DCR7@psuvm.psu.edu)
-Laurence Akutagawa (aku@crl.com)
-William Arnold (arn@netcom.com)
-Chris Stefanich (phylo@grfn.org)
-Alistair Mcleod (alistair@chemeng.ed.ac.uk)
-Neil Rowland (neil_r@gradient.com)
-Jeff Hammond (jeff@balder.srl.caltech.edu)
and a special thanks goes to:
-Alan R. Meiss (ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu)
for numerous contributions to this list.
Life in Hell
Life In Hell
------------
From: jmalloy@harp.aix.calpoly.edu (Seamus O'M Goodness)
Subject: Time: 8:26 AM
OFFICE MEMO Bill Gates Date: 11/3/94
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When
he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were
literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to
do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks,
while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.
Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace.
Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like
Woodstock gone metastatic.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the
staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens,
face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM
PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the
voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and
I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but
Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a
guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of
17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in
which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on
his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on
here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter?
Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then
Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of
a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business
started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day,
and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are
over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and
multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten
thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do
you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter
is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate
headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual
inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then
continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like
yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on
your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to
pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill
sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill.
"Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational
orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but
Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham."
* * * * * * * * * * *
Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction
center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing
infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing
everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill
angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's
best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that
Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to
supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest
computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a
multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server
network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant.
Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job!
This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations
soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data
processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger
than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the
miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was
dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly
row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single
byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had
spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about
PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What
about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's
heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs
running Windows, then ....
.... GO TO HELL!"
At Work
At work!
--------
From: dunno
>From Management,
It has been brought to the management's attention that some individuals
have been using foul language in the course of conversation between
employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended
workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.
The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being
able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their
fellow employees. Therefore, management has compiled the following code
list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these
code phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue.
OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE
No fucking way! I'm not certain that's feasible.
You've gotta be shitting me! Really.
Tell someone who gives a fuck! Perhaps you should check
with........
Ask me if I give a fuck! Of course I'm concerned.
It's not my fucking problem! I wasn't involved with the project.
What the fuck! Interesting behavior.
Fuck it, it won't work! I'm not sure I can implement this.
Why the fuck didn't they tell me I'll try to schedule that.
sooner?
When the fuck do the expect me Perhaps I can work late.
to do this?
Who the fuck cares? Are you sure it's a problem?
He's got his head up his ass. He's not familiar with the
problem.
Eat shit. You don't say.
Eat shit and die. Excuse me.
Eat shit and die motherfucker. Excuse me,sir.
What the fuck do they want They weren't happy with it.
from my life?
Kiss my ass. So you'd like my help with it.
Fuck it, I'm on salary. I'm a bit overloaded at the
moment.
Shove it up your ass. I don't think you understand.
This job sucks. I love a challenge.
Who the hell died and left you boss. You want me to take care of this.
Blow me! I see.
Blow yourself! Do you see?
Another fucking meeting! Yes, we should discuss this.
I really don't give a shit! I don't think it will be a
problem.
He's fucking retarded. He's a bit confused.
The Nine Types of Boyfriends/Girlfriends
The Nine Types of Boyfriends & Girlfriends
------------------------------------------
From: dunno
>
> The 9 Types of Boyfriends
>
>Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
>Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled
> Egg, Snugglepup
>Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
>Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
>
>Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
> Let's stay home and watch TV."
>Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
> Slow Mover, Jerk
>Advantages: Stays put; predictable
>Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
>
>Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
>Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
>Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
>Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
>
>Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
>Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
> Big 'n' Dumb
>Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
>Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
>
>Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
>Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug
> Addict
>Advantages: Well rested; easy target
>Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
>
>The Sneak - "Who, me?"
>Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
>Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
>Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
>
>Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like
> crazed weasels, OK?"
>Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
>Advantages: Perpetually aroused
>Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
>
>The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't
> know how, but--"
>Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
>Advantages: Tells good stories
>Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
>
>Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love
> like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
>Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
>Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
>Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
>
>
> The 9 Types of Girlfriends
>
>Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you
> shouldn't have!"
>Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main
> Squeeze, Doormat
>Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
>Disadvantages: May wise up someday
>
>Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent
> son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
>Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog
> from Hell
>Advantages: Pays attention to you
>Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
>
>Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
>Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
>Advantages: Predictable
>Disadvantages: Contagious
>
>The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
> haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that
> look."
>Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and
> Chain, Yes Mom
>Advantages: Often right
>Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
>
>Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
> career, goals, home, and hair color?"
>Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
>Advantages: Easily soothed
>Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
>
>Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an'
> make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
>Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed
> Out
>Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
>Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
>
>Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
> snickering at."
>Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly
> Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
>Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
>Disadvantages: You will have no friends
>
>Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
> how I feel about our relationship."
>Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
> Artistic
>Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
>Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
>
>Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are,
> my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like
> crazed weasels now!"
>Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
>Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
>Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
>
>
Your Mama! Jokes
"Your Momma" Jokes
------------------
From: Tim
~ 180 "Your Momma Jokes" ~
1) Your momma so fat, when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
2) Your momma got so much hair under her arms, it looks like she's got
Buckwheat in a headlock.
3) Your momma so fat, they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee
jumping
4) Your momma so fat, when they used her underwear elastic for bungee
jumping, they hit the ground.
5) Your momma so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.
6) Your momma so fat, when she back up she beep.
7) Your momma soooooooooooooo old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when
she was 10 and said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything".
8) Your momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
9) Your momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
10) Your momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
11) Your momma so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22
twice instead.
12) Your momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent.
13) I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.
14) Your momma so old she owes Jesus a nickel.
15) Your momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
16) Your momma so fat, she wears a VCR for a beeper.
17) I saw your momma kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was
doing, and she said "Moving."
18) Your momma so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets.
19) Your momma so stupid, she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows
at home.
20) Your momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
21) Your momma so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911"
22) Your momma sets off car alarms when she runs.
23) Your momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
24) Your momma's hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.
25) Your momma so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
26) Your momma so ugly, she made an onion cry.
27) Your momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
28) Your momma so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater.
29) Your momma hair is so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
30) Your momma hair is so short she curls it with rice.
31) Your momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
32) Your momma so fat, when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they
have to install speed bumps.
33) Your momma so fat, when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters
try to land on her back!
34) Your momma so fat, her college graduation picture was an airial.
35) Your momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so
that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
36) Your momma so dumb she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
37) Your momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
38) Your momma so dumb she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your
house.
39) Your momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
40) Your momma so easy that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she
thought she was getting it three times.
41) Your momma so stank that her sh*t is glad to escape.
42) Your momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.
43) Your momma so fat, she influences the tides.
44) Your momma got a' afro, wit' a chin strap!!!!
45) Your momma so backwards she sits on the TV and watches the couch.
46) Your momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
47) Your momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
48) Your momma so old I told her to act her age and the bitch dropped dead.
49) Your momma wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair
Jordan.
50) Your momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to
get up again.
51) Your momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.
52) Your momma so fat, when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
53) Your momma twice the man you are.
54) Your momma got a bald head with a part and sideburns.
55) Your momma's house is so small that when she orders a large pizza she
has to go outside to eat it.
56) Your momma's head is so small that she got her ear pierced and died.
57) Your momma's head is so short that she took a shower and got
brain-washed.
58) Your momma is so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
59) Your momma got two wooden legs and one is one backward.
60) Your momma so tall, she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth.
61) Your momma so dumb, when she read on her job application to not write
below the dotted line she put "O.K."
62) Your momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can
see people waving.
63) Your momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
64) Your momma's got three fingers and a banjo.
65) Your momma was so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital
stretch marks.
66) Your momma got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in
jail.
67) Your momma's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her
ear.
68) Your momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
69) Your momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
70) Your momma's head is so big, it shows up on radar.
71) Your momma's middle name is Rambo.
72) Your momma so dumb that under "Education" on her job apllication, she
put "Hooked on Phonics."
73) Your momma so poor, your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
74) Your momma got a metal afro with rusty sideburns.
75) Your momma's blind and seeing another man.
76) Your momma's in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna puch me 'round
no more."
77) Your momma rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy
Meals.
78) Your momma watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
79) Your momma has one leg and a bicycle.
80) Your momma has one hand and a Clapper.
81) Your momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree.
82) Your momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're
saying.
83) Your momma has a 'fro with warning lights.
84) Your momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.
85) Your momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
86) Your momma has a short arm and can't applaude.
87) Your momma's cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
89) Your momma drives a peanut.
90) Your momma's got a wooden leg with branches.
91) Your momma waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
92) Your momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
93) Your momma was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya
doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
94) Your momma has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back.
95) Your momma was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.
96) Your momma so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
97) Your momma so dumb, she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
98) Your momma so dumb she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
99) Your momma so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other
people's fingers.
100) Your momma so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her.
101) Your momma so fat, she was baptized at Marine World.
102) Your momma so fat, she's on both sides of the family!
103) Your momma so dumb, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked,
"M, F and sometimes Wednesday too."
104) Your momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
105) Your momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
106) If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his ass and
make him walk backwards.
107) Your momma so dumb, she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
108) Your momma so fat, when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that
rock?"
109) Your momma has a glass eye with a fish in it.
110) Your momma's mouth is so big, she speaks in surround sound.
111) Your momma went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we
dressed her as a Chevrolet.
112) Your momma's so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her
through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
113) Your momma's so stupid, she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
114) Your momma is so fat, when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives
her the green arrow!
115) Your momma is like a TV, a 2-year-old could turn her on.
116) Your momma is like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"
117) Your momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"
118) Your momma is sooo ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach,
cats try to bury her.
119) Your momma is so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace
shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
120) Your momma is like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then
thrown in the gutter.
121) Your momma is so ugly, we have to tie a steak around your neck so the
dog will play with you!
122) Your momma is like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded.
123) Your momma is like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow.
124) Your momma is so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
125) Your momma is so ugly that rice crispies won't even talk to her.
126) Your momma is like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
127) Your momma is like a vaccuum cleaner.....a real good suck.
128) Your momma is so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
129) Your momma is so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she
rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse.
130) Your momma is so dumb that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care
center.
131) Your momma is so black that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
132) Your momma is so nasty that pours salt water down her pants to keep her
crabs fresh.
133) Your momma is like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
134) Your momma is so easy, I fucked her and I's a chick!
135) Your momma's gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.
136) Your momma is so dumb she got stabbed in a shoot out.
137) Your momma is so dumb she stole free bread.
138) Your momma is so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the
moon.
139) Your momma is so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
140) Your momma is so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out
George Washington's nose.
141) Your momma is so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
142) Your momma is so dumb she jumped out the window and went up.
143) Your momma is so short she does backflips under the bed.
144) Your momma is so short she models for trophys.
145) Your momma's hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches.
146) Your momma is so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
147) Your momma is so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
148) Your momma's is so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking
about she was trying to makeup her mind.
149) Your momma's is so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they
reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
150) Your momma's breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
151) Your momma's head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
152) Your momma is so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
153) Your momma is so fat she was baptised in the ocean.
154) Your momma is so black she has to wear white gloves when she eats
Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers.
155) Your momma is so dumb she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
156) Your momma is so dumb she took a cup to see Juice.
157) Your momma is so dumb she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
158) Your momma is so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.
159) Your momma's house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
160) Your momma's house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
161) Your momma's house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes
outside.
162) Your momma is so dumb she took a spoon to the superbowl.
163) Your momma is so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in
Florida.
164) Your momma is so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
165) Your momma is so old when God said "Let their be light", she flipped the
switch.
166) Your momma is so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
167) Your momma's head is so big she has to step into her shirts.
168) Your momma is so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
169) Your momma is so old her birthcertificate is in Roman numerals.
170) Your momma is so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.
171) Your momma is so skinny she can hoola-hoop a Cherio.
172) Your momma is so fat she stands in two time zones.
173) Your momma is so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.
174) Your momma is so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came
back she had on flip flops.
175) Your momma is so fat that when she went to the beach, Greenpeace
tried to drag her fat ass back into the ocean.
176) Your momma is so nasty, I called her for phone sex and she gave me
an ear infection.
177) Your momma is so ugly, I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
178) Your momma is so stupid, she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel
Prize winners.
179) Your momma's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
LA High School Math Proficiency Exam
LA High School Math Proficiency Exam
------------------------------------
From: Tim
> Answers to City of Los Angeles
> High School Math Proficiency Exam
>
> 1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
> and shoots 15 times each drive by, how many drive by shootings must he
> conduct before he shoots 50 people?
>
> Johnny hits 15*(4/10) people per drive by, which means that he
> will have to participate in 9 drive bys to shoot 50 people.
> However, he will have completed two drive-by shootings and be
> just starting the third when he has to reload. Since he only
> stole a single clip, he'll only have shot 16 people when the
> homeboys with the UZIs' make Swiss cheese out of him.
>
> 2. Pony has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for
> $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value
> of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
>
> At 454 grams per pound, 2oz of the rock = 56.75 grams. An "8
> ball" is 8 grams, so pony has sold 10 grams total and has 46.75
> grams left. If he keeps selling 8-balls, he can sell 5 more (for
> a total of 5*$320=$1,600) and have 6.75 grams for his own nose.
> If he sells 2 gram packs, he can sell (46/2-23) packs at $85
> apiece = (23*$85)=$1,955. However, he could divide it into small
> parts, bake it up into crack and sell the rocks for an even
> larger profit. This problem is really more suited for the Gang
> Multi-Variable Economics Test.
>
> 3. Ron is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick,
> how many tricks will each have to turn so Ron can pay for his $800
> per day crack habit.
>
> 800/$64=12 tricks plus a dance. Also, Ron should consider making
> a deal with Pony from Question #2.
>
> 4. Susan wants to cut her 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
> How many ounces of cut will she need?
>
> If she sells the cut heroin at the same price per unit volume,
> she will need 20% more volume. 20% of 1/2 pound (=8oz) is 1.6oz.
> So, Susan will need 1.6oz of cut to add to the 8 oz of heroin to
> get 20% more volume. She will want a cut which looks similar to
> raw heroin and has approximately the same melting point. Plain
> sugar or laundry detergent are suggested. Laundry detergent has
> the added benefit of removing the possibility of customer
> complaints, but will sharply limit repeat business.
>
> 5. Blade gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for
> a 4x4. If he has already stolen 2BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's
> will he have to steal to make $800?
>
> Blade has made 2*$200 + 3*$100=$700 dollars from his theft so
> far. He needs $100 more, so he needs to steal $100/$50=2 more
> Chevy's. However, he will probably want to steal 4 Chevy's so he
> can take the extra two and make a really def low-rider.
>
> 6. Little Willy is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $25,000
> for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $250 per month, how
> much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many
> years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
>
> 6 years*12 months/year*$250/month=$18,000. Little Willy will
> have $25,000 - $18,000 = $7,000 left when he gets out of prison.
> If Little Willy kills her in the USA, he should expect to get 6
> years. However, if he takes her down to Mexico and buries her
> scrawny, track-marked butt in the desert, he can get off scott
> free.
>
> 7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and
> the average letter is 4 square feet, how many letters can a tagger
> spray with 3 cans of paint?
>
> 3 cans of paint will cover 3*22=66 square feet. 66/4=16 letters
> with a little paint left over to spray in the eyes of the cop
> who's comin' after you. Or the tagger could do 15 letters and a
> bitchin' skull.
>
> 8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the
> gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
>
> 6/27=22% of the girls. However, 2 of them are lying because
> they've been sleeping with Pedro, Hector's lieutenant. So, in
> actuality, Hector only knocked up 4/27 or 14.8%.
>
> 9. Rosie's sole source of income is shoplifting. If she gets 10 cents on
> the dollar from her fence, how much merchandise must she shoplift each
> week to make $250.
>
> Solve X/10=250 for X, X=$2,500.
>
> 10. Mike carjacked a Chevy Camaro for his date Saturday night with his
> young 14 year old girlfriend. He was arrested that night while making his
> girlfriend in the backseat. How much prison time is he looking for for the
> carjacking and for statutory rape, even though the girl looked legal?
> Assume no prior convictions in arriving at your answer.
>
> Mike is only 12 so he will serve no time and will be making
> his girlfriend in the lot in someone else's car next Saturday.
>
Important Secrets of Manhood
Important Secrets of Manhood
----------------------------
From: Victoria Diane Creighton
> Last Sunday, I was waaaaaaiting for my son (7 years old) to get ready
> for church. Since I had him trapped, I decided it was time to discuss some
> of the 'Facts of Life' with him:
>
> Son, you have gotten old enough that you can be trusted with one of
> the Important Secrets of Manhood. You must never tell this secret to any
> women or girls.
> 'OK'
> You have probably noticed that most things are run by men. The boss is
> usually a man. Men usually get paid more than women. HOWEVER, there isn't
> all that much difference between men and women.
> 'But what about...'
> OH that. That isn't all that important. Are you any smarter than the
> girls your age?
> 'Nope'
> And I am not any smarter than the women my age. And you know your mother
> could probably whip me in a fair fight. So, why do you suppose that men
> are usually in charge?
> ''
> It is because we don't play fair. We cheat. We men have lots of little
> tricks that we use to make sure that women don't win. And I am about to
> tell you one of the Most Important!
> ''
> Pockets!
> 'What!?'
> It is true! Long ago, we men managed to convince the women that they
> would rather wear clothing that looked pretty, than wear clothing that
> worked right. And then we convinced the women that pockets were ugly.
> So, now, most women's clothes don't have pockets.
> 'Naaah'
> Well, check for yourself. How many pockets do you have?
> <1,2,3,4,5> '5'
> How many pockets in your sisters dress?
> <...> '0'
> How many pockets in my suit?
> <1,2,3, .. 13,14> '14!'
> How many pockets in your mothers dress?
> '0'
> If you don't have any pockets, then you can't carry important things.
> Important things like money, or keys, or tools. Men get to be in charge
> because they can get things done, while the women are still asking to
> borrow somebody's keys.
>
> Son, I want you to remember that if you wear clothes that don't work
> right, then people will think you are Useless. They might even call you
> one of those nasty names that mean Useless like: Fashionable! or Chic!
>
> 'What is taking you two so long? Are you ready?'
> ''
> My that dress looks nice. May I zip it up for you?
>
>
OPsys Airlines
OpSys Airlines
--------------
A COMPARISON OF OPERATING SYSTEMS
DOS AIR
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets into the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the
ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the
air, hop on, et cetera.
MAC AIRWAYS
The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel
the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight,
they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know and would
you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
WINDOWS AIRLINES
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all ver
y attractive, the pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the
carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch,
pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without
warning.
OS/2 SKYWAYS
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers
milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed,
wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway.
Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in
hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets
outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good
the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will
be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little
longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until
mid 1995. Maybe longer.
FLY WINDOWS NT
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the
chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms
and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
UNIX EXPRESS
All passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with
them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly
about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it
together. Eventually, the passengers split into groups and build
several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some
passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe
they got there.
WINGS OF OS/400
The airline has bought ancient DC3s, arguably the best and safest
planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them
look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to
your every need, though the drinks cost $15 for an orange juice.
Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have Supportline,
which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent
flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your accounting department can
call it overhead.
MVS AIRLINES
The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds of
technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury
aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000
passengers. Bigger models in the fleet can have more engines than
anyone can count and fly even more passengers than there are on
Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to operate
these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless
you personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers
scramble aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from
crashing. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns
the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through
the hangar doors.
Dating Quiz
Dating Quiz!
------------
(Some questionable stuff, but then again there are
some really funny ones in here)
Met someone special on a bbs or the internet? Wanna ask them out but not
sure if you're willing to take the chance at having a life scarring
experience? No problem! Give 'em this little survey to fill out. Then
review the answers and decide how willing you are to take your life in
your hands. Good luck!
-Dr. D & Nee!
Der Questions
1) My name is:_______________________________.
2) The gender I claim to be is: (M)ale (F)emale
3) My real gender is: (M)ale (F)emale (T)hree-Mile Island
4) The age group I fall into is:
(A) 40 and older
(B) 30-39
(C) 21-29
(D) 15-20
(E) I wanna be a Power Ranger
5) In the past year, I have had:
(A) 1-5 dates
(B) 6-10 dates
(C) 11-15 dates
(D) More than 16 dates
(E) I rape sheep
6) I have the proper height/weight ratio for:
(A) the average human of my age and gender
(B) Gorgo, the four-head Dragon
(C) a washer and dryer set
(D) Ireland
(E) My gelatenous mass cannot be measured at any given moment
for I am an ever-shifting entity
7) The reason I stayed at home last Friday night was:
(A) the last time I got in a car, all four wheels popped.
(B) strict upbringing makes me morally superior.
(C) the voices won't let me.
(D) it was a bad idea to drown Marge.
8) On a date, I prefer to take my companion/be taken to:
(A) a romantic, candlelit Italian caf‚.
(B) International House of Pancakes.
(C) Bubba's Beer and Bait Shop.
(D) the dumpster behind 7-11.
9) For entertainment, I like to:
(A) watch movies/plays.
(B) watch cock fights.
(C) undulate my twelve chins to the theme of "Bewitched."
(D) snap the necks of mammals smaller than me.
10) My idea of the perfect male/female is:
(A) Keanu Reeves/Winona Ryder.
(B) Trent Reznor/Courtney Love
(C) Oral Roberts/Janet Reno.
(D) my fist/my fingers.
11) My hobbies are:
(A) collectings books/stamps/insects.
(B) computers.
(C) small Hungarian women named Loopy.
(D) eating at least ten times my body weight.
(E) acne.
12) My first words were:
(A) "Mama/Dada."
(B) "Seconds please."
(C) "Yours and the souls of your friends shall be mine!"
(D) "Touch me... touch me there."
13) My dream career is:
(A) millionaire playboy/playgirl.
(B) garbage collector so I can cash in on all their nifty
benefits.
(C) anything with barbed wire.
(D) street gang moving target.
(E) lard wrestler.
14) I consider my body to be:
(A) a temple to the gods of desire.
(B) average, but could use work.
(C) proof God is far-sighted.
(D) I am mainland China.
(E) Just write "Titanic" on my ass.
15) If I could have one wish, it would be:
(A) peace on earth.
(B) piece of William Shatner's ass.
(C) four words: Pez, whips, Uma Thurman.
(D) a quick and easy cure for genetal warts.
16) I have encountered problems with law enforcement agencies:
(A) never/seldom.
(B) often, and they always incist on body cavity searches.
(C) my family portrait is at the post office.
(D) I was arrests #234-289 on "America's Most Wanted."
17) What I would like to accomplish in my life most is:
(A) happiness.
(B) a sixth finger.
(C) the ultimate Hellen Keller imitation.
(D) working my way into Zsa Zsa Gabor's pants.
(E) Ridding the highway of all lone shoes.
18) A nickname my friends may give me would be:
(A) Sexy/Ace/Bunny/Sweetie/etc.
(B) Scrotum Thief.
(C) Commander Nasal Clit and his Amazing Elbow, Sparky.
(D) The Thrustinator.
(E) Exxxxtacy Maggot.
19) My favorite thing about holidays is:
(A) the warm feeling of being with family and friends.
(B) food, food, food.
(C) it means I'm one year closer to freedom.
(D) Grandpa's annual orgy of the Damned.
20) My favorite meal is:
(A) a well balanced healthy dinner.
(B) whatever's stuck to t he bottom of my chair.
(C) Indian boys about 4' tall, 11 years old, 90 lbs.
(D) boiled semen with a side order of lovin'.
21) My favorite type of literature is:
(A) computer tests like this one.
(B) public restroom stalls.
(C) anything on the newsgroup alt.beastiality.
(D) the magic writing on the back of my foot.
(E) the toe tags at the morgue when I'm on my "rounds."
22) My political views are:
(A) Democrat (bleeding heart, egg sucking liberal)
(B) Republican (money grubbing child molestor)
(C) Liberitarian (What's the matter? not enough spine for a
real party?)
(D) Rastafarian
(E) Religious Rights (Jesus groped pigs, loser!)
23) My religious views are:
(A) Christian (Molest anyone recently?)
(B) Eastern Religions (how's the airport lately?)
(C) Jehovah's Witnesses (get away from my front door!)
(D) Wicca/Pagan (a sheer cry for attention if there ever was)
(E) Agnostic/Atheist (who cares? We're all going to hell!)
24) (For females or Richard Simmonds) When I walk by construction sights,
the workers:
(A) whistle and cat-call.
(B) shield their eyes.
(C) jump of the high rise to end it quick and painlessly.
(D) throw rocks.
(E) Man, they can really aim that demolition ball.
25) If I were an animal in the zoo, I'd be:
(A) a love bird.
(B) an orangatang, crapping in my hands and throwing it.
(C) the dead animal that's been rotting for three days.
(D) a deformed, blind baby kangaroo.
26) My favorite type of music is:
(A) hard rock with no lyric and talentless bands.
(B) country music, cuz I'm a good ol' boy and I like to
touch my sister's "fun zones."
(C) Tejano music (the soothing rythems of a blaring accordian)
(D) Groups like "the Cure" because I can pretend I'm a
vampire and act so goddamn dark and depressing when
I'm nothing more than a sexually repressed teen who
is upset 'cause my father didn't hug me enough and
fulfill my bizarre, incestuous fantasies.
(E) Classi....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
27) the best type of pet is:
(A) dog.
(B) cat.
(C) anything that can "spread eagle" quick and likes "heavy
petting."
(D) Damn you! Damn you! Vulcans need no pets!
(E) toasters- don't ask.
28) My last relationship was ruined because:
(A) I dropped my pants and he/she laughed.
(B) he/she couldn't put up with my habit of ramming my
genetalia into pencil sharperners and screaming,
"Yes, Captain, I am the Walrus!"
(C) his/her is scattered across Delaware- shhh, don't tell.
(D) she kept leaving the toilet seat up.
29) If my life had a slogan, it would be:
(A) "Get a piece of the rock."
(B) "Oooooh yeah!"
(C) "Still legal in 32 states."
(D) "Mormon approved."
30) I use my computer most for:
(A) work.
(B) play.
(C) communications.
(D) DOOM
(E) trapping hapless fools for consumption.
(F) trying to discover a user's footsize by handle.
(G) a sex slave. (My computer gave me the Michaelangelo virus)
31) What issues concern/interest you the most?
(A) AIDS.
(B) racism.
(C) foriegn policy.
(D) cattle mutilations.
(E) If the Mystique Sponge have tracked me yet.
(F) How I can get my hands on the neck of Knight of Nee.
32) A nickname I might give to my penis/my lover's penis would be:
(A) "Blastmaster 5000."
(B) "The Whopper Chopper."
(C) "Linda Blair"
(D) "The Exxon Valdez."
(E) "Limp-a-long Cassidy."
33) a nickname I might give my breasts/my lover's breasts would be:
(A) "Clackers."
(B) "The Blunder Twins."
(C) "Death Valley."
(D) "Prickley but Huggable."
(E) "Tiny Tumors."
34) The title of my (auto)biography would be:
(A) "Sweet Jesus! Thank God he's DEAD!"
(B) "Lifestyles of the Mundane and Mediocre."
(C) "Spoon Your Way To Fame and Fortune."
(D) "Crapping in His/Her Pants."
(E) "Still a Virgin."
35) My favorite pick-up line is:
(A) "Can I pick your teeth with my (insert random limb)?"
(B) "Do I pay you or the guy in the pink suit?"
(C) "Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?"
(D) "I bet I can bench press you!"
(E) "Your eyes are so entrancing.. your skin so delicate...
wanna fuck?"
36) My sign is:
(A) Some zodiac crap.
(B) "Child at play."
(C) "All you can eat."
(D) "Billions and Billions served."
(E) "Dip."
37) My dream car is:
(A) a 1979 blue Mustang Gia named Laura Palmer.
(B) the 1960's Batmobile.
(C) a hearse.
(D) anything I can fit in the backseat of.
(E) an Edsel.
38) My favorite movie is:
(A) "Forrest Hump."
(B) "Jurrasic Pork."
(C) "Clash of the Vibrating Titans!"
(D) "Sticky, Slippery, and Four-Legged."
(E) "Pancho's Adventures in Urinal Cake Land."
(F) "Beach Blanket Cthulhu"
(G) "The Top-Heavy Women of the Planet Playtex vs. the
Saggy Booby Grandmas of Dimension C-Cup."
39) If I were a Slurpee flavor, I would be:
(A) cherry.
(B) afterbirth.
(C) plunger bacteria.
(D) Dr. Schol's Odor Eaters.
(E) Boiled watermellon rind with a twist of turpentine.
(F) 2000 Flushes.
40) If I ever got the chance to meet the makers of this test, I'd:
(A) shower them with love and adoration.
(B) become the authors' personal tonsil hockey slave.
(C) attempt to beat the shit out of them.
(D) ask them to autograph my spine.
(E) tell them to drop their pants and squeel like a pig.
True Facts
True Facts
----------
From: turf@thurston (Brian McInturff)
The University of Washington's Theta Xi fraternity chpater
was ousted from the Interfraternity Council by a campus
judicial committee as a result of an initiation-week incident.
Seattle police, acting on a complaint, visited the off-campus
house of Theta Xi, where they found two stolen sheep. They
also found "members and pledges dressed in their underwear,
with white grease on their hands and peanut butter and other
substances on their bodies."
According to the *Chronicle of Higher Education*, "The
police report said that the two female sheep were 'overheated
and agitated,' but unharmed."
"Nancy and I are sorry to learn about your illness. Our
thoughts and prayers are with you. God bless you."
-- Ronald Reagan, in a [1989] letter to Augusta Lockridge after
she was blinded in the soap opera "Santa Barbara." Augusta
Lockridge is a fictional character.
From the Las Vegas *Sun*: "An Austrian circus dwarf died
recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was
swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as
little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo
and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd
applauded wildly before other circus people realized what
has happened."
This curious addendum was published in L.A. Weekly:
"In last week's film review of Star Trek V, Helen Knode
wondered if in Star Trek VI they'll 'put Jim, Bones,and
Scotty naked in a hot tub together playing hide the
sausage.' She meant to ask whether they'll put Jim, Bones,
and _Spock_ together to play hide the sausage. She
apologizes for any misunderstanding."
The following help wanted ad appeared in California's Santa
Cruz Sentinel: "Prototype machinist w/exp. in plastics
machining & fabrication for the product development
industry. Must be able to work with idiots & have
partial higher brain function. 476-2070."
The senior class of High School South in Middletown, NJ,
decided to allocate $500 "to give each graduating senior
a commemorative white porcelain mug, trimmed with blue
and gold." However, when school officials decided the
mug looked too much like a beer stein and might send the
wrong message about alcohol abuse, Principal James
Mullevey ordered that holes be drilled in the bottoms
of all 372 mugs.
"It does make you drink faster," noted one graduate.
According to a birth announcement in the *Tribune* of San
Diego, Calif., a Mr. and Mrs. Cox named their newborn daughter
Fonda.
A judge admonished the Radnor, Pa., police for pretending
that a Xerox copy machine was a lie detector. Officers had
placed a metal colander on the head of a suspect and attached
the colander to the copier with metal wires. In the copy
machine was a type-written message which read: "He's lying."
According to UPI, "Each time investigators received answers
they did not fancy, they pushed the copy button. Out came
the message, "He's lying."
Apparently convinced the machine was accurate, the suspect
confessed.