nuw yorkahs caint spuhl

That's actually what I've heard. People warned me about it. Before I moved from the west coast to this one (the other one, you know, it's the one on that other ocean, the one the sun doesn't set over).

They also told me that Philadelphians don't shower. People in Baltimore don't know how to blow bubbles with their gum. The guys in Buffalo all think the women could gain a few more pounds. That dogs in Hartford don't howl at the moon but rather at the Rosie O'Donnel show.

It's all written down in a book that someone bought me before I left. It was part of the "You Know You Don't Want to Leave California" Handbook. All suspect individuals get one. You know, they can tell in your eyes when you're starting to think about going elsewhere. They are afraid you'll give away all their secrets.

Like did you know that they don't really grow anything in California? Nope, the land couldn't grow a thing. It's all imported from Deluth. Yup. Some guy owns a farm there and he just stamps the boxes "California." It's a scam, but no one knows any better.

So when you tell me that New Yorkers can't spell, it doesn't surprise me in the least. Who needs to spell in a city that large anyways? I mean, if I lived in a city that big, I'd probably have a hard time remembering my multiplication tables too!