nobody sells guppies anymore

They sure don't.

It's a shame. I wanted some so bad, I took a job at the pet store in order to be first in line if a new batch came in.

It was a week into the job when I started to smell a conspiracy. Whenever I came near, the other pet store clerks would hush up really quickly. I never heard full sentences, but always heard snippets. Sounded an awful lot like they were saying "guppies" and "out back."

Well, as the new man in the litter box, I didn't have an all-access key. So there was no way for me to spend any time sneaking around the back of the store. Nor could I let myself in after hours and poke around.

Sure I could have broken in. That might have given me the chance to do my detective work, but it might also have landed me in the Big Fishbowl. You know what they do to guppy lovers in there?

I asked a couple times, real casually, to the manager about guppies. He always brushed it off with a "some day soon we're supposed to get a truckload" but without a doubt, that day never came. If I followed-up, he would mutter something about the whole load eating themselves up in transit.

I don't trust the guy. I bet you his parents don't trust him either. They must sit around the dinner table at night and they look at him with an evil, distrusting eye when he tells him how school was that day. Good thing I wasn't there, I might just blurt out some threatening obscenities as he sat there smug, eating his peas and talking about biology class & intra-mural soccer.

I tried to call the owner, they have her number up on the wall in the office. It was a capital offense to do so, if you believed the note scribbled in magic marker right below the phone that read: "It's a capital offense to call the owner!"

The phone rang three or four times, and I thought I would be dropped into voicemail, when a voice answered. It was a guy's. I choked on my saliva and hung up. It was him! Yes. The owner was in a room talking with him about the guppy shortage. They were probably standing in front of one of those million-gallon fishtanks you see at the acquariums, and it was probably full of guppies.

I was irate. If I had a gun I'd probably have gone ballistic, shooting squeeze toys and sassy-talking birds.

But all I did was storm out of the office, drop my ID tag at the counter and leave.

I wasn't gonna work as a stooge for the biggest conspiracy in the modern world!