letter i'll never send

This is a letter I will never send.

Dear Pillsbury,
Recently I went to my grocer's freezer section to buy some of your supposedly nutritious, always delicious Pillsbury bakery products. I came across your rolls of wonderful goodies and selected a few. There were the sourdough crescent rolls which I baked two weeks later when I had the guys from work over for tea. Then there were the easter cookie rolls, the ones with the colorful, easter-related shapes in the middle of a roll of white, sugar cookie dough. They were good, at least when I sampled some from the roll as I was scooping little spoonfuls onto the cookie tray with the oven preheating to 450 degrees. And I found myself wondering "Where's the Pillsbury Dough Boy? I haven't seen him in a while." And I hadn't. The last time I had seen the Dough Boy was when he had come by with his niece who was selling Girl Scout cookies. We had chatted for a while, traded some recipes and remarked how Pam really did a good job at keeping the cookies from sticking to the pan. I ended up buying a couple boxes of cookies, but they didn't taste quite as good as the Pillsbury in a roll kind. Anyways, I just wanted to say that if you hear from the Dough Boy, tell him I said hello. If you haven't heard from him either, I think you should try calling his Uncle Stu or his parents. I am a little worried about him. He might have gotten in an accident.

Signed, Contented Cookie Eater