no! take me home!

I was out at the Toys R Us the other day, doing a little Xmas shopping. I had just paid for my purchases with my Supper's Club card (the one with the Teddy Ruxpin commercials) when I found a group of young women standing by the door talking loudly amongst each other.

I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on, I was busy putting my wallet back in my pants and getting my gloves out to put them back on when I looked up to find 4 girls in their late teens or early twentys starting at me with weird looks in their eyes.

I stopped in my tracks, wondering whether I had a larger mass of snot on my face or whether my hair was sitting flat on my head. Before I had a chance to check, one of the girls, wearing, appropriately enough, a Teddy Ruxpin tshirt said to me: "Hey, would you take me home with you?"

I was not sure where I was or who I am. I was at a loss for words. "Say again," I finally responded.

Before she could, another girl, this one with a "property of N'Sync" crop top said: "No, take me home!"

Now, you can imagine I was a little bittle confused. I started to turn to look behind me, expecting to see their parents or at least a couple scrawny teenage boys they were with to be behind me and I merely standing in the way. When all I found was a rather large old man standing their with a little bit of a gleem in his eye, staring rather obviously at my butt, I quickly turned back and said "Pardon me. What did you say?"

At this point, the third girl, who was wearing a Barnes & Nobles name tag that read "Tiffany" made her case and said: "You need to take me home with you now!"

If my eyes could have, I would have blinked right then and then as I started to pinch myself, the first girl to question me grabbed me by the hand and said to the others "See, he's taking me."

Before she could pull me more than 5 feet, the other two girls threw on a defiant look and shouted out "no way girl!" and proceeded to block our exit.

My rather sizable bag of toys, games and puzzles kept slamming into my legs, a cart, and a few little kids streaming by as I was proceeded to be tugged and pull back and forth between these three young women. After a short while, I stopped even paying attention to what they were saying and who seemed to be winning. I was perhaps wrapped up in the moment or maybe just stunned like a deer in the headlights.

[rest of the piece edited for content]

Now you're probably wondering what all that was, and for those of you who have called me the "G-Rated Husband" you could probably guess that that was an excerpt from a fantasy. Yes, G-Rated husbands can fantasize. And as you'd expect, those fantasies take place in a toy store and, though you didn't get to read the rest of it, that's also how they end up at Chucky Cheese's.

For a transcript of this or any of my fantasies, please send $10 to matte@electricalsocket.com.