please stop calling me

I'm sorry.

I won't do it again.

I swear!

No really, I didn't know it was gonna freak you out. I mean, who would have thought you would take me seriously when I said you were picked as a contestant for Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?

Then when you actually sent in a photograph, an essay and an application to the phony address I gave you, I didn't think you would take me seriously when I told you to come to an interview.

And then when you actually showed up, read through several of the lines I had written for you, signed that indemnity waiver and then agreed to wearing that thong bikini I said was going to be part of the swimsuit portion of the show, I didn't think you would actually go through with it.

But then when you actually showed up, and answered all those questions before my fake studio audience, consented to be voted on by a bunch of strangers I paid to pretend they were family and friends of the multimillionaire and put yourself up for display as a finalist in the competition, I thought you'd see right through the scheme and walk offstage.

So when we had the multimillionaire pick you and he walked out on stage and said some sappy things as you stood there in the wedding dress we picked out for you to wear, and he asked you to marry him, we didn't think you'd actually go through with it.

I guess you just proved how wrong we really are. And I apologize, because now you're married to an out of work actor who isn't really a multimillionaire. But we got good ratings!